Addition by Adoption

Two southwest Missouri families share their very different adoption stories.

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Having a child is a wonderful thing. But what if you or your spouse isn’t able to conceive? Would you consider adoption? Last year in Greene County alone the Missouri Department of Social Services reported that a total of 838 children were in the state’s custody, either temporarily while their parents or guardians worked out their issues, or permanently until an adoptive family could be found. Seventy-nine children in Greene County were adopted last year. These figures do not include the number of children adopted through international and private adoptions. The fact is there are plenty of children who need parents—millions if you look outside the United States. For families that can financially afford it, all it takes is a little faith and an open heart.

A 22-Month Pregnancy

If you think being pregnant for nine months is rough, try being pregnant for 22 months, and not knowing when you’re going to give birth. That’s how Tina Conyers describes the waiting game she and her family, who live in Springfield, endured when they decided to adopt a child from another country. “It’s more emotional than being pregnant,” Tina says of her experience. “Because when you’re pregnant, at least the baby is in your belly, and you can feel it, and you kind of know what it will look like… and you know when you’re going to get the baby. With adoption, you don’t know for sure when it’s going to happen. And you can’t prepare your heart for the wait.”

Tina, 38, and Russ, 45, both realtors for Murney Associates, already had three children of their own. And they were perfectly capable of having another one. But Tina didn’t want to bear another child. She wanted one that was already here. In fact, she knew for a year that she wanted to adopt a child, but during that year she never told a soul. Not even Russ or her best friend. She says she wanted to make sure it wasn’t just a whim that would pass after a couple months. But, the feeling did not go away. “It was just something my heart was telling me,” she says. And on Mother’s Day 2004 Tina shared her feelings with Russ. Fortunately for both of them, the feeling was mutual.

Now keep in mind the Conyers already had three children: Wade, 12; Erin, 11 and Sam, 5. What would they think about bringing another baby into the home? Tina says she asked her daughter, Erin, if she would like to have another sibling, and Erin put her hands on her head and said, “No way!” But when Tina and Russ explained the adoption idea to their three children, Erin’s feelings changed. “She said, ‘Oh my gosh, Mommy, we have to get this baby!’” says Tina. One of the most difficult aspects of getting the new addition to their family is that Tina and Russ would have to be away from their three children for 15 days.
After careful consideration and in-depth research, the Conyers decided they wanted to adopt a baby girl from China, because in China “they abandon their baby girls,” says Tina. The Conyers chose an adoption agency in St. Louis—Children’s Hope International—because it specializes in Chinese adoptions. They went to work on their dossier—the file they would submit for adoption—in June 2004. It included “1,700 pages” of paperwork—not literally, but it seemed like it, says Tina—and a home study, conducted by Lutheran Family Children’s Services in Springfield. Typically a home study takes about 90 days and costs about $1,300, says Adam Robe, regional director for LFCS. It involves having a caseworker monitor the family, both in and out of the home, to see how they function and whether the environment is safe for a child. (Overall the adoption cost the Conyers about $20,000, which included fees to the adoption agency, Lily’s orphanage, round-trip flights to China for Tina and Russ, and hotel accommodations.)

It took the Conyers several months to finish their dossier. There were a lot of tough questions, says Tina, which required well-thought-out and heartfelt answers. Finally, six to nine months after they submitted the dossier, the Conyers received a referral—a picture of their new daughter, along with her name, place of origin and medical history. Her name was Gang Chun Lei, and she was born in Maogang, China. She was living in an orphanage. “Once you get the picture, your heart settles down because you have something to hold, something to love,” says Tina. Before they even saw her they decided they would rename her Lily Wei Conyers: Lily after Russ’s sister; Wei because it means “valuable” or “precious.” A couple more months went by, and Russ and Tina received notice that it was time to go get her. (Often this is only a two- or three-week notice to get your flight arranged and go.)

They met Lily for the first time on May 23, 2005, six days before her first birthday. She had two teeth already. And they got to witness her first steps in those first few days. Russ and Tina kept a blog while they were in China. On the third day, Russ noted the following: “Lily just laughed out loud for the first time. We are making a lot of progress today… Lily has started to smile a little bit today, which is great. She is beginning to trust us.” On the fifth day he wrote this: “I am really ready now to get home. This has been the experience of a lifetime, but I really miss my three monkeys at home. Can’t wait to bring Lily home to see and meet you kids.”

Lily will turn 3 in May. She and her big sister, Erin, are best friends, says Tina. She’s just part of the family now. But in an effort to keep Lily’s Chinese heritage alive, the Conyers family are members of International Adoptive Families of the Ozarks. They attend monthly events, including summer picnics and celebrations of the Chinese New Year. And when Lily is old enough, she’ll study Chinese. Plus, Russ and Tina keep in touch via e-mail with the adoptive families of the other girls from Lily’s orphanage.
Unfortunately, new laws are making it more difficult to adopt children from China. (For more information on these regulations, click here.) “With the new laws it’s going to be harder for people to adopt [from China], and that really bums me out,” says Tina. “The year that we were there only 8,000 little girls went to the U.S., and there are millions who are abandoned every year, so just to think of what happens to those other little girls is gut-wrenching.”